Is This Love or Emotional Dependency?

One of my clients, whose ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, asked me the following question:

“I think I still love her, but is this love or just emotional dependency? Many times I ask myself if falling in love comes from the wounded self because (for me at least) it feels as if I can’t live without the other person. When I give love from the heart I don’t expect anything back, but when I fall in love I think this is a different energy.”.

Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self– the ego self– you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and well being, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are “in love.” However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you. When it feels as if you can’t live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is “in love” is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another’s love, which is why you can’t live without that person.

When you fall in love as a loving adult instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love. You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love from a Divine Source. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.

The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone also does this.

When you pick from your wounded self, you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill up him or her. Two people who each want to get love rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.

If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can’t live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be “in love” rather than “in need.” You will be able to love another person for who he or she is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.

Relax To Win Love Back

There are many different ways that you can win love back, but the key is to begin with the basics. If you try to win love back, you are going to need to have a solid game plan coupled with a solid sense of confidence. Every relationship has ups, downs and unique challenges, and a different strategy is going to be necessary for each individual situation.

There is no real right or wrong answer set in stone when it comes to trying to rekindle a relationship. Every relationship is going to come with its own unique challenges, and you need to come up with your own unique strategy for rekindling the relationship based on your own situation, rather than necessarily based upon the advice of others.

Even if you have friends, family members or other acquaintances that have been through similar situations, the solution they found in order to win love back may not necessarily work for you. This is because there are always underlying causes and other situations that come into play that may not necessarily have come into play in the other relationships.

One of the things that you need to consider when you are ready to win love back is that desperate behavior will repel your lost love rather than allow you to rekindle things or attract them back. You need to take the time to identify the problems that broke the relationship up, and you need to begin crafting a solution accordingly in order to win love back rather than repelling it further.

The best way to approach the situation when you are ready to win love back is to start at the beginning. Work hard and prove yourself like you did when you first met him or her. One of the most common mistakes that is made when it comes to trying to win back love is focusing on everything that went wrong rather than trying to focus on the good things that made the relationship strong in the first place. Change the situation, start fresh, and you will be able to win love back even when it feels hopeless or like a lost cause.

If you are placing any undue restrictions on your lover or spouse, now is the time to let them go. Don’t put restrictions on your love, or they may find themselves resisting you, which will undo your hard work and progress when it comes to rekindling the relationship and learning how to win back love.

Now is the time to let tensions slide and focus on the positive nature of the relationship. What drew you to your significant other, and what drew them to you? Focus on these good things and let the bad and negative feelings slide away. Once you can prove yourself again, learning how to win love back will be easier than ever.

Do you Still Love your Ex?

Getting back with your ex may seem like an idea near to impossible, but it can be done. Depending on the circumstances of your break up, with the exception of affairs, abuse (verbal and/or physical), and other demeaning events, you can get back together with your ex but it needs time and a whole lot of effort.
Every love story involves 2 endings: the happy ending and the tragic ending. All couples would want a happy ending in their relationship, whether it’s marriage, taking the next step in a relationship, or simply just being happy with their loved ones. But sometimes, our love story is not set in stone, but written as we go along with the relationship. Stories develop twists with every decision every character makes. When a love story takes a turn for the worst and ends tragically, ergo the couple breaks up for the most unfortunate or stupid circumstances, it sometimes can’t be helped for one or the other to still have feelings for their ex. If you feel that your relationship has taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line and feel that the break up wasn’t right, then getting back with your ex is probably the first thing in your mind right now. How will you know that getting back with your ex is the right thing to do? Here’s what you should do and think on how to get back with your ex.

Step # 1: Ask yourself what happened to the relationship; where you went wrong or made a wrong turn. Was it your fault or your partner’s fault?
Step # 2: Ask yourself if you still want to get back with your ex. Do you still love your ex? Would you do anything to get back together with your ex? Re-evaluating your relationship will help you determine if getting back with your ex is still a good idea.
Step # 3: Give yourself and your partner some time to do steps # 1 and # 2.
Step # 4: Give yourself and your partner time to recover from the break up. Fresh break ups make people irrational and sometimes desperate. Rushing into getting back with your ex will only make the break up worse.

The following steps should be able to help you get back together with your ex. Though it may take some time for the reconciliation of a relationship, it’s always worth the wait. Love is sweeter the second time around, as some might say, because getting back with an ex may have contributed to this famous saying. Patience is always a virtue, my friends.