A Natural Response

Break ups are never easy, and though it may seem like it at the time, they are not the end of the world. The question of “how do I get my ex back” is quite natural, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it. With that in mind, here are some tips to help the two of you work things out.

1. You need to be 100 % sure that you really want to get back together with your ex. Do you still love them, or do you just want somebody to love? Do you want to be with them and only them, or do you just hate the idea of being alone? There are no right answers here, only honest ones. From this point forward we will assume that you have decided to work things out.

2. Honesty is the best policy. Every successful relationship is built on a foundation of trust, and trust comes from being honest. You need to be honest with yourself, honest with your partner, and honest about your relationship. It may not always be easy to tell the truth, but it is absolutely vital to getting your ex back. However, you shouldn’t use honesty as an excuse to be rude, which brings us to the next tip …

3. Be respectful. While your break up could have been caused by any number of things, it’s safe to say that a lack of respect was a major part of the problem. Being mean to each other is no way to stay together. Respect is an important part of any relationship. For example, blunt honesty can be used as a hurtful weapon if respect is absent, but add respect and that same truth can be conveyed in a tactful and loving way.

4. Watch for positive signs. People have a tendency to play games with each other, and that makes getting back together more complicated than it needs to be. It would be great if the two of you could have a one-minute conversation and figure out your future (one way or the other), but real life rarely works out that way. Sometimes all you can do is pay attention to what your ex does and try to read the signs. If your ex calls you frequently, or seems to “accidentally” bump into you in public, then those are positive signs.

5. The only person you can change is yourself. At the beginning of this article you were asked if you really to get back together with your ex. If so, then what will be different this time? Remember, you can’t make your ex change; only they can do that. You can forgive them for anything wrong they did, but you can’t make them change. However, you can change yourself, and you can also change how you perceive your ex should the two of you get back together.

The question of “how do I get my ex back” is worth asking. All it takes is following a few simple steps.

Tips For Fixing A Broken Relationship

If you are in a relationship that has never had a problem of any kind, then you need to wake up from your fantasy world. However, if you live in the real world, then you know that all relationships have their highs and lows. The fact that you are looking for tips for fixing a broken relationship shows that you fully understand that you are experiencing a low point. With that in mind, here are some things you can do to make things better.

1. Wait – You need to give yourself time to calm down after a break up, and your ex needs time too. If you try too soon to plead your case for getting back together then you run the risk of pushing your ex farther away from you. Your emotions are running too high to use the right approach, and their emotions are running too high to be receptive. Your best bet is to wait.

2. Think – During your time apart you should think about what went wrong in your relationship. What things led to the break up? Could they have been avoided? You need to do more than just scratch the surface here, you have to get down to source of the problems that caused the break up.

3. Solve – Now that you have a handle on the problems, you can start to come up with possible solutions. You aren’t talking to your ex yet, so you will have to do this part by yourself. However, once the two of you start talking, be sure that you ask for input from your ex as well.

4. Plan – You have given it some time, have thought things through, and even came up with a few possible solutions, so now it’s time to make a plan for getting back together. What that plan is will depend on you and your ex, and also on what problems you have uncovered. You may be able to get by without a plan, but you will find that having one makes things that much easier.

5. Talk – Hooray! You’ve made it this far, and now it’s time to take a big step: getting in touch with your ex. Your initial contact should be relatively low key because you don’t want to run the risk of scaring them off. The goal of this first contact is to set up a time and place where the two of you can talk face-to-face. Once you start talking, be sure to be friendly and respectful. Share the things you have come to realize, but remember to take things slow.

6. Work – If your ex is willing to give your relationship another try, then be ready to do some work. There are sure to be obstacles along the way, but if you are committed to getting back together, then you can move beyond them.

These tips for fixing a broken relationship will get you off to a good start, but you need to actually do them. Sure, it takes some effort, but it’s effort that will eventually make you happy.

Is This Love or Emotional Dependency?

One of my clients, whose ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, asked me the following question:

“I think I still love her, but is this love or just emotional dependency? Many times I ask myself if falling in love comes from the wounded self because (for me at least) it feels as if I can’t live without the other person. When I give love from the heart I don’t expect anything back, but when I fall in love I think this is a different energy.”.

Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self– the ego self– you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and well being, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are “in love.” However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you. When it feels as if you can’t live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is “in love” is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another’s love, which is why you can’t live without that person.

When you fall in love as a loving adult instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love. You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love from a Divine Source. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.

The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone also does this.

When you pick from your wounded self, you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill up him or her. Two people who each want to get love rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.

If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can’t live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be “in love” rather than “in need.” You will be able to love another person for who he or she is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.